I Came Out to My Parents as Non-binary!

For years, navigating conversations about my identity and body autonomy with my parents meant walking a tightrope of over-explaining and defensive logic traps. My parents started a local PFLAG chapter nearly a decade after I first came out in 1993, so their public identity as allies and activists always added a complex layer to our personal dynamic. Despite that public advocacy, private conversations often carried subtle, hurtful comments and long-standing patterns of invalidation.

After my gender nullification surgery in 2024 and starting testosterone, I realized those patterns needed to end if we were going to maintain a real relationship.

To prepare for a face-to-face sit-down lunch with them yesterday, I sent a detailed letter ahead of time. The goal was to establish clear boundaries, state my feelings, and lay out my reality without opening the floor to an endless debate. I went into yesterday's meeting with a single primary focus: ensure the hurtful comments stop and protect my space, regardless of whether they fully understood my choices.

Overall, yesterday went really well.

We spent most of lunch talking about ordinary things. I didn’t want to open the door to a barrage of uncomfortable questions, and I had already said what I needed to say in the letter. As far as I was concerned, my main goal was achieved.

Nullo Identity, Anatomy, and Sexual Function

I get a lot of questions about my anatomy and how I achieve orgasm. Before diving into those specifics, it is important to bring everyone up to speed on what a nullo is, and for those who already know, how different the medical landscape is today compared to the recent past.

A nullo is someone who chooses to have their external genitalia removed. The result is a smooth appearance between the legs, with a small opening left for urination. While the surgery is available for individuals assigned female at birth, I can only speak to the specifics of my own experience as someone assigned male at birth.

An Overview

Growing up, the only blueprint society gave me for not fitting the standard boy mold was being gay. So when I noticed a difference in how I viewed the world compared to other boys my age, I lumped everything into that one available category. But orientation is about who you want to be with; gender is about how you need to exist in your own skin. For me, that existence was defined by an underlying sense of otherness and a deeply rooted discomfort with my genitalia. I started tucking in middle school and shaving my body in high school, acting out a somatic necessity long before I had the language to explain it. It is incredibly hard to open up to people when you lack the vocabulary to explain how you feel; I could never have a conversation with my parents about wanting to remove my genitalia because I couldn't explain why I wanted to. If the books about puberty or the sex ed classes of my youth had acknowledged that people who weren't cisgender existed, it would have saved me decades of isolation and heartache.

Woven entirely through this struggle was a fierce, desperate desire to serve in the Marine Corps. For more than thirty years, I have ruminated on that path, watching the boot camp videos of Marines marching in perfect, disciplined unison and feeling a profound longing for it. Intellectually, I know that serving during Don't Ask, Don't Tell and the height of the Iraq War would have been a psychological pressure cooker; it would have demanded the absolute erasure of my true self. Yet, the ache remains because it highlights how unfair the world is. In a tolerant society, that life of structure and shared purpose would have suited me perfectly, but the system forced an impossible choice: give up my soul for the uniform, or walk away to survive.

By the late '90s, I found the Eunuch Archive. It was a digital Wild West where severe body dysphoria sat right alongside extreme fetish culture. Without access to safe, mainstream medical care, I turned to the archive's fiction section to cope, gravitating toward stories where characters were forced into genital removal through extreme power dynamics. That was a protective psychological loophole; if the character had no choice, they were absolved of the crushing societal shame of wanting a neutral body. It was a terrifying era. I personally knew at least three people who took matters into their own hands, tying off their genitalia to force tissue death before heading to the emergency room. That was the brutal, desperate cost of a system that refused to see us.

It wasn't until the later 2010s that the concept of being non-binary entered the cultural lexicon, and it took me years to realize that the non-binary experience isn't a monolith; it is a varied landscape. Finally, in 2024, everything culminated. I untangled my somatic dysphoria from the concept of a sexual fetish once and for all. I realized that my desire for physical nullification was a rational, identity-driven need to align my body with my internal reality. I am not on the gender binary, which by definition makes me non-binary.

Living in the current political climate, I look at the world today and feel a profound terror for trans and non-binary youth. To see a generation of kids receive validation and celebration under one administration, only to be systematically crushed and branded as "gender insanity" by the next, is a devastating whiplash. I know the exact cost of the wasted time and the agonizing silence they are being forced back into. It is a brutal reality to watch your entire existence be politicized as the scapegoat for a global ideological war. But having survived the absolute shadows of the past, I know the truth: we exist, we have always existed, and no political pendulum can erase the validity of who we are. I no longer need a fictional captor, a hyper-masculine armor, or an extreme power dynamic to justify my reality; I am allowed to choose a body that feels like home, autonomously and without shame.

An old unpublished post from 2015

I came across this unpublished blog post as I was looking through things. I wrote it in late 2015ish. Unfortunately blogger doesn't show the date of unpublished posts. It has some errors and some grammar mistakes, but I've decided to post it as is instead of cleaning it up.

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Some may have noticed my sudden disappearance over the last year. This has extended into my leather life as well. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I've come to question my role in the community and how the community serves me.

I got involved in the leather community after a particularly turbulent time in my life. I was at odds with my parents for the first time in my adult life, my long term relationship had come to a catastrophic end, and I turned my back on the pursuit of one of my life's dreams. I credit two things for getting me into the scene. Ruff and Ross, who helped me work past any kink shame I had and were always a hell of fun to be with, and the DC boys of Leather, who were welcoming and accepted me as I was.

In my early years one thing was clear to me; leather is supposed to be fun. I had a blast going to contests, runs, bar nights. I couldn't wait to put on my newest gear. Most importantly I always looked forward for an opportunity to be a boy. Being "in service" was well and good, I had plenty of opportunities for that, but I enjoyed being silly with other boys. At that time the DC boys was a "no Sirs allowed" space for me. In 2004 we only had a couple collared boys. By 2006 we were over 20 strong and still consisted mostly of independent boys.

I've never had an issue with a boy being collared. Being collared or not never had affect on the safe space of the DC boys. When we got together the protocol was checked at the door and playtime began. We made raising money and serving the community exciting. Meetings were short(ish) and bar nights were almost as much fun as a big leather event.

Like service, protocol has its place. Though many "rules" are common, protocol at its best is the execution of an agreement between a Dom and his/her sub. One thing that makes the DC boys of Leather a strong organization is that we see ourselves as a regular leather club. We demand the same respect as other organizations and expect our officers and members be given the same courtesy as any other member of the community. Submission was never a founding principle of the club. The DC boys of Leather is not a submissive organization, but a "safe space for boys." Our members could choose to submit, but that does not mean that the organization should be treated as "less than" other social clubs. It always took effort to maintain this viewpoint, but it was the job of club officers to stand up and not take shit from anyone.

Unfortunately, something changed after 2007. Prior to this time boy was still an umbrella term that slaves, switches, pups and others could live happily under. Bar nights were still fun, but the definition of a boy started to narrow. Labels that had lived happily under the umbrella started to break off. Some of those that maintained their "boyness" started coming to events with their Dom, spending the evening in service. Many of our switch brothers and independent boys started to drift.

In 2008 I became president of the DC boys of Leather. I started my presidency with a lot of high hopes. I branched the club out to other bars. I enforced our meeting cycle policy that limited business to once each quarter, and kept those business meetings as short as possible. I used the remaining meeting times for social and educational events. I wanted to officially define our club as a fun and safe place for boys, not simply a club for boys. I had several solutions that I hoped would address this problem.

1. With the help and feedback of our past presidents I proposed a bylaw amendment that changed our mission from:

"MISSION: The mission of the DC Boys of Leather is to provide our members a supportive environment to have fun, learn, educate, socialize, contribute, and grow as individuals and as members of our community. 

"PURPOSE: The DC Boys of Leather is a group of self-identified leather-boys. The term leather-boy is defined as broadly as possible with the intent of being inclusive, and boy not being based on sex, gender, sexual orientation, age, or appearance. Our purpose is to gather in brotherhood and boyhood, supporting our members and our community with respect and integrity.

To:

"MISSION: The mission of the DC Boys of Leather is to provide our members a supportive environment to have fun, learn, educate, socialize, contribute, and grow as individuals and as members of our community. 

"PURPOSE: Our purpose is to gather in brotherhood, supporting our members, encouraging growth, exploration, development, and discovery while supporting our community with respect and integrity. The DC boys of Leather is a group with a common dedication to service and devotion to the leather community. We define the term “boys of Leather” as broadly as possible with the intent of being inclusive, and not being based on sex, gender, sexual orientation, sex role preference, age, or appearance or other qualities prohibited by law. 

2.  I launched this site in hopes of having an ongoing, open conversation about the issues challenging the DC boys of Leather and the community at large.

"In order to explore the unique complexities of identity in the BDSM/Leather communities, the DC boys of Leather have launched the Leather Identity Project. My concept is simple, ask questions and present data. This collection of data will help us explore trends of leather identity over time. Surveys are short and anonymous. Data is presented periodically and available to everyone.

I think I'm back.

Thirteen years ago, I used this blog as a tool to dissect concepts, do research, and explore the complicated social dynamics within the leather community and my place within it. Originally, my motivation was tied to a very different version of my life, one defined by external leadership, organizational roles, and the social politics of the scene. I wrote to find definitive answers, hoping that my work would provide nuance in a world that often sees only a black and white. Picking up the pen again today serves a completely different, yet entirely necessary, purpose.

My life has changed significantly since those early posts. Today, my leather identity is grounded in the internal, quiet realities of my relationships, including my marriage, the protective care of my dynamic with my little, and the structured protocols and absolute trust I share with my Sir. Yet, as I navigate these intimate dynamics and the broader community events I still attend, I constantly find myself confronting the reality that I do not fit into the standard mold.

I am returning to this blog because I need a space that acts as a living document rather than a final analysis. Complex, evolving realities, such as my non-binary identity or my ongoing frustrations and positive experiences within the scene, cannot be neatly resolved in a single, closed essay. Writing again is a way to document an ongoing journey, allowing myself the freedom to ponder large concepts, voice discomfort, and chart my own evolution in real time without the pressure of needing a final conclusion.

I'm shocked that after 13 years my blog continues to get traffic. Should anyone actually reading this feel so inclined, I would love to see some comments as to how you found me and what brought you here.

Castity

Why is it hot? Those that enjoy chastity enjoy that feeling that comes from being horned up. There is an energy to that sexual feeling that can be very gratifying. I find that I reach my peek of sexual frustration around two weeks and I become more interested in pleasing another man as it builds. There is some sexual release in physical contact and helping someone else get off. My submission comes to a head when I'm on edge. I reached out to Altairboy from Altairboy's Chastity Site, an excellent and comprehensive resource on chastity, for his perspective and he agreed by saying: "Without a willing partner in the chastity "play" the whole exercise would be sorely lacking.  I mean, honestly, where is  the fun in solo play?" Those Doms reading this should take note, you can keep a boy locked in chastity much longer if you see him from time to time and require more than simply being locked. There is more responsibility to being a key-holder than simply holding the key. Some people seek out "cyber key-holders," and get their stimulation through web cams or simple lack of access to their "junk," but it's never the same as having a key-holder you see regularly. It's the Dom's job to torment, stimulate, and ramp up the sexual frustration as high as possible. If the Dom allows the locked boy to serve him/her regularly the sky can be the limit. That service doesn't need to be physical.  Making the boy keep himself shaved, cut his hair the way you like, do your laundry, clean your house, watch porn, chat with guys on sex sites, or even requiring him to hook up with no release can all be very exciting. The boy is far less likely to cheat and figure out how to get off while in chastity or remove the device without your permission if he knows that you are part of the process.

DATA: Race in the Leather Community

Race is a touchy subject. I wanted to approach this topic sensitively while also providing relevant information. I'd like to begin by apologizing for my language choices in this report. "White participants," "other races," and "non-white" are an unfortunate side effects of reducing information to numbers. I am very aware that differences between individuals from different racial and cultural backgrounds can be significant, but when reviewing the data I was ultimately exploring how white and non-white members of the community answered these questions differently.

FETISH: The Leather Identity Project's focus for 2013.

The Leather Identity Project has always been my way to seriously explore topics and show common ground. I've focused on significant issues like labels and identity, HIV, sex role, family, and race. In 2013 I'll be taking the project into a different direction.

We all have limits. Blood, scat, permanent marks, women, and piss are among the most common from my "what are you into?" survey. While a fetishes can be an acquired tastes, they are usually already with us waiting to be discovered. Fetishes that are on the fringe of accepted practice, or at lest unpopular, invite jeering and negative jokes.

Like most people, I have limits. Scat grosses me out. I see BB as an unnecessarily risky behavior. PnP freaks the hell out of me. Never the less, we've all been in situations where a friend opens up about a fetish that turns us off. How did you respond? I've always done my best to be accepting of my friends "other interests." Heck, I'm into water sports and many think that's disgusting.

Next year I'll be exploring different fetishes. Popular sites to get information about safe exploration and etiquette. I'm also looking for experts on different fetishes to help out. You don't have to be the ultimate authority to help out. I want to know what turns you on about your fetish. What was your first experience? Have you ever done it in public? Do your friends know about it?

I'm including a form with this post asking people to contribute thoughts, information, and anyone willing to be interviewed about their fetish. Please take the time to look at the form.

- Fetishist Information Collection - 

Race in the Leather Community

I'm a thirty something year old white guy who was raised in an affluent suburb. My expieriences with race were limited before I became an adult. Maybe life before then limited exposure, or perhaps I was simply oblivious. I admit, in my younger years I was limited in my sexual attraction, but now I'm a far more equal opportunity play mate. People of color are sometimes disproportionately absent in the leather community.

How are you affected by race in the scene? Are you?

This survey is closed. Data is coming soon.

"American Boys Bill of Rights"

While patrolling the web I came across this poster. It was published in 1947 as a toy add, but much of it applies to my view of what a leather boy is and what a leather boy deserves from the world. So it's a little gun rights heavy towards the end, but it has some elements that I think are missing from the emphasis of boy culture today. It says the following:

We… The Boys of America believe in these OUR RIGHTS: the right to LIBERTY, hard-won by our forefathers ~ the right to HAPPINESS that comes with the growth of a healthy body and mind ~ the right to TRAINING, thoughtfully planned by parents, school and church ~ the right to OPPORTUNITY, to live, learn, play and grow up in the time-honored traditions of a free people ~ and the right to learn to SHOOT SAFELY. We recognize and accept the responsibility imposed by these Rights. But ~ until we are old enough to vote we expect YOU ~ our fathers, mothers and other citizens who elect America’s city, county, state and federal officers ~ to be eternally vigilant that our RIGHTS be not abridged!

Leather Titles

I have mixed feelings about leather titles. I think those best served by leather titles are the title holders and contestants themselves. Running for a contest can be a huge confidence boost for the men and women who choose to compete. It takes guts to expose yourself on stage. For most, running for a title is a positive experience. In fact, more than half of those who have participated in a contest have competed in more than one. 69% of participants who have competed in a contest report that they have won at least one contest. If at first you don't succeed...

My husband is a title holder for this current year and winning has been an amazing experience for him. He's met people from across the country and made some lasting friendships. He also shows a comfort working a crowd that he never had before. This boost alone has increased his confidence at work and at home. He has kept his goals modest, simply to promote his bar and increase awareness of the leather community.

Unfortunately titles can also have a darker side to them. Winning can bring out the worst qualities in some people. It can also give false authority to a winner, allowing him or her to pass on bad or destructive information to new members of the community. Living under a microscope is a stressful experience, and this can push some to do negative things.

Leather Pride

Gay pride, take it or leave it, is a major part of urban life. Wether you like it or not, there is often a noticeable absence of leather visibility at pride. Perhaps the leather folks don't feel welcome to come out in leather, or perhaps its too damn hot. 


Whatever the reason I'm curious what you all with pride. Do you wear your leather, or at least some leather out to pride? Do you attend at all? This isn't a formal survey, but it's fun to see what people do.

Are you attending pride in leather or gear?

Happy Daddy's Day

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Mr. ?

Leather titles are a significant part of the leather experience. Contests, being the core of many leather events, provide a setting to bring people together. While many see titles as the backbone of the leather experience others look down on them. Both leather title advocates and "sash queen" dissmissers are vocal members of the community. As with most things the loudest often have the most extreme opinions. 

Those with mixed feelings often don't speak up on their viewpoint. Where do you stand on leather titles?

Mixer: Gay, Straight, Bi

I'd like to start by saying this was a hard survey write and analyze. I'm not sure I did it justice, and I apologize for this. I believe that gender and orientation divide the leather community in negative way. We don't need to wander down the path of political correctness to diversify. If anything I prefer the leather community's willingness to kick social norms in the ass. Preferring same gender or orientation play spaces doesn't make you an asshole, but there is no reason we can't make a greater effort to be more tolerant in social settings.

It's no surprise that gay men are frequently unwilling to engage in sexual acts around people of different orientations and genders, but the reverse is true for social interaction. 75% of gay men have attended mixed orientation/gender social events and an additional 5% would be willing to. These numbers don't change remarkably when broken down by age and sex role. The 25% who are not willing to attend mixed social events can't be explained by friendship homogeny alone. 

Switches and gay males in their 50's were the only groups who deviated significantly from other participants regarding mixed social event attendance. Gay male switches were 14% less likely than Doms and subs to attend mixed social events. Gay male participants in their 50's were 23% less likely to attend mixed social events. Gay males in their 50's have 16% fewer gay friends than other gay males and gay male switches have the same number of gay friends. The lack of correlation between friendship homogeny and willingness to attend mixed social events in these groups suggest another variable. 

Sexual attraction alone can't be the deciding factor. Although the survey didn't adequately explore the topic, all bisexuals, women, and trans participants were willing to attend mixed orientation social events. These three groups were also more accepting open play spaces.

My conclusion is that there is something about the gay male portion of the leather community that differs from other groups. Clearly there is more to explore. Please feel free to send any questions I should have asked my way. A future survey could look at gay men more specifically.

Survey Data

Boys' Club Census

While working on the history page for the dc boys of leather I've discovered it's very difficult to locate information about which boys clubs have existed, what year they formed, and which ones are still active. I've decided to address this problem by asking for your help. There are boy clubs all over the continent. Some are thriving while others have disbanded or changed their name. Please help me compile a history of when these clubs formed and which ones still exist. Feel free to participate as many times as you want, my goal is to find out information about as many clubs as possible. Participate in the census.

I'd also like some high resolution images of club colors. I can pilfer around on the web, but a lot of you probably have some good images saved on your computers. If you have one please provide your email address and let me know in the survey.

Does Your Mother Know?

I often draw a destination between the sexual elements of the community and the social ones. The leather community is a one composed of sexually liberated individuals, not necessarily a community for sexually liberated individuals. Because of this I have little problem being open about my involvement in the community. I may not want to share my sexual adventures with the world, but I have no issue being proud of my social involvement. 

Many of those entering the community, or indeed those involved in it, do not draw this distinction. I find that considering community and sexuality mutually exclusive to be alienating to those on the outside.

The "Does Your Mother Know?" survey explores how individuals distinguish these issues. Most do on some level, others do not.

To give some perspective here, 211 people participated in this survey. People are surprisingly open about kink and community involvement with their vanilla friends. Family and co-workers are equally informed in social involvement, and not surprisingly kept in the dark about sex.

27% (27 participants) work in kink friendly carriers, just over half of those who are open about kink with co-workers. Between 7% and 9% only have kinky friends and friends in the community. All three of these groups are a small, but vocal, minority.

Most of us have to balance both worlds, deal with conflicting values from our family and friends, and choose our battles. My husband tend to be more open than is probably good, but it does weed out those that find our personal life objectionable. Sure it can be painful when friends and family result to irrational judgement, but values are subjective. As marriage and other "social norms" permeate our community this conflict will only become more relevant as we maintain our preferred relationship models.

Once or twice a year I have the privilege of doing a S&M demo at my alma mater. Pouring hot wax onto 18 to 22 year old co-eds is fun, but it also presents an opportunity. My co-presenters and myself are always asked "do you have 'real' jobs, or do you do this full time?" The awe of their reaction when we reveal our mundane careers is always amusing. Their belief that we exist permanently on the fringes of society is understandable. It also fuels so many fears about coming leather bars and other social centers. Coming out and living openly can help so many closeted individuals know they can be open and happy about their orientation. Similarly, being open about our community involvement helps those who are afraid to know it's a safe space. We can invite others to join us by making it clear that we are far more dynamic than erotic fiction would indicate.

review unedited raw data

Mixer: gay, straight, & bi

The leather community is a diverse and dynamic place. We're divided along lines of orientation, gender, and protocol level. Sometimes we all come together and celebrate, but more commonly we gather with those like ourselves. I've always seen the Leather Community as both sexual and social. Individual limitations of the former drastically influence the latter. How do you feel about the social and sexual mixing of individuals of different backgrounds? 

-click here to participate in the survey-

Leatherwear Basics

One thing that the "Barrier to Entry" survey made painfully obvious was a lack of easy to find guides for those intimidated by entering leather community. My first handout gives some basic leather-wear advice for those who think they don't have anything to wear. In truth nearly everyone has the right clothing to wear into a leather bar. Download PDF

Barrier to Entry (leather bar attendance)

There are factors that keep people coming and keep people away from Leather Bars. This break out will explore the reasons for both. At the end of the day, some patience is necessary from the regulars and some adventurousness is necessary from the newbies.

Geography and parking is the biggest barrier keeping people away from bars. The simple fact is their can't be a bar in every town, and traveling to the city isn't an option for everyone. I'm working on a guide for those who are looking for a sense of community without having geographic access to a Leather or Leather friendly bar. There are ways to develop a sense of community without traveling, sometimes it simply means opening up your mind.

I've organized some of the most common factors keeping people coming and keeping people away in the lists below. I've paired reasons by disconnect.

Keeps People Coming	Keeps People Away
not too loud edgy bartenders are friendly tag along with kinky partner friendly relaxed atmosphere community sense of belonging HIV accepting clubs see same faces meet likeminded people mentoring atmosphere comfortable wearing gear exhibitionism know what others are into by look scuttlebutt (gossup) cruising smoking areas	too loud nervous rude staff partner is vanilla arrogant uninviting sub groups clicks inexperienced dark grose bathrooms no one dresses up drama being  judged smoking areas

The takeaway from this list is that there are no simple solutions. I've broken my advice into three categories; advice for bars, advice for bar regulars, and advice for newbies. I'm not an expert here, but this advice is based on what people want. Everyone needs to put a little work in to make things better.

Bars:

1. Cleanliness: I know for a fact that my local bar cleans regularly, but basic facilities are a problem. People want clean bathrooms with closing stall doors. keeping the bath facilities well lit and sterile looking may take away from the ambiance, but it also sends a message that bathrooms arn't sex dens. Some patrons want a place to hook up, but many new ones are intimidated by not having a comfortable place to piss.
2. Smoking Areas: Not everyone is into cigar smoke. Enough people are that it should be available, but make sure the smoking area is separate from the rest of the bar so non-smoking patrons won't get turned off.
3. Websites: I went to a lot of web sites, and none were good sources of information about leather bars or leather bar culture. Guides about etiquette, basic dress do's and don'ts, and well kept calendars are key. People are regularly upset about parking, so if you are mass transit accessible let people know that on the site.
4. Changing Areas: Many bars have lockers available to remove layers once you get there. If you're bar has such facilities advertise that fact.
5. Welcome Feedback: Tradition is an important part of leather bar culture, but that doesn't mean things shouldn't change when they aren't working. You shouldn't ignore valuable feedback simply because "You can't please everyone."

Regulars:

1. Be Less Judgmental: You were new once too. The young man or woman dressed inappropriately or behaving disrespectfully may not know any better. If you want bars to thrive into the future then you have to help bring new people into the fold. It's also important to let them put their generation's spin on the community.
2. Wear Gear: Instead of bitching about no one wearing gear, gear up yourself. There is no reason for anyone else to dress up if you aren't willing to first.
3. Be Friendly: You don't have to want to have sex with someone to be polite to them. You also don't need to take every person under your wing to be friendly. New people regularly see members of the community as rude to outsiders. We know how supportive the community can be, don't turn someone off before they can discover that for themselves. Remember that the "twinks" who came out in a group may be uncomfortable coming alone. They may just need a mentor or a friendly face to keep them coming out.
4. Come Out More: If you're sick of bars being empty then come out more.
5. Check the Drama at the Door: Club, bar, and title politics are a constant source of gossip and drama at the bar. To an outsider it can sound like leather men are a bunch of backstabbing jerks.
6. Speak Up: Leather bar managers and owners have to walk a type rope to keep as many people happy as possible. Support their efforts to try new things, but also don't be afraid to respectfully express your point of view.

Newbies:

1. Evaluate Your Priorities: Do you want a D/s relationship, or do you want a community? There is absolutely no reason you can't have both, but sometimes searching for a Sir or a slave can prevent you from seeing possible friendships that could support you in your journey. Making friends in the community also helps you network in a way that online personal sites never could.
2. Be Outgoing: Regulars see leather bars as a welcoming place that creates a sense of family and community. This atmosphere doesn't need to be hard to break into. If you feel unwelcome, try to remember that you are the new one. People should be more friendly, but so should you. It's your job to try and introduce yourself. Although they may seem clicky from the outside try to look for club nights at bars, clubs often want new members. Even thought you may not want to join, it's a good way to meet people and no one will mind if you remain a GDI (God Damn Independent). 
3. Its about Sex & Community: Although people do hook up at leather bars, it's not the only reason people go. You don't have to want to have sex to go. Many are there to talk and have fun too. Often those looking for sex are in different areas of the bar than those who are there to socialize. If you want to meet people go to where people are talking, not making out. Also consider that you don't only have to talk to people you are attracted to. That "old man" on a bar stool could be an invaluable source of information and friendship.

We often hear about reaching out to "young people" when talking about keeping the community alive. We can see below that those born between 1981 and 1990 are as likely to attend leather bars monthly as those born a decade earlier. In all likelihood their attendance is growing. Those born between 1961 and 1970 are the most likely to attend regularly, but those older drop off quickly.

One regular anomaly is the dip in those born between 1971 and 1980. This absence is present in nearly every survey. Because these individuals would have been in their 20's during the 1990's one could assume their absence is a continuing legacy of the AIDS epidemic. The positive outcome of those terrible years is that the Leather community is largely accepting of those who are HIV positive. This acceptance is strength of leather bars and the leather community at large. Although some choose not to play safer, the leather bars are a place where being positive doesn't need to be a secret shame.

Monthly attendees of leather bars tend to be mixed by role, but the "regulars" tend to be subs and Doms. Being able to express protocol in an accepting environment was a common reason that keeps people coming out. Switches consistently have the highest participation in LIP surveys, but we can see here that they may frequent leather bars, but don't necessarily make them their home.

My final take away is that leather bars are still attracting people. Attendance may be down, but as homosexuality becomes more mainstream we can expect a smaller counter culture community. That means that those of us that remain need to be more tolerant of each other. Specializing your identity is empowering, but also chops up community resources. Be yourself, but work together and respect differences.

- view the unedited raw data for this survey -